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Ups and downs
Jan. 27th, 2003 08:26 amDowns.. food. I won't even attempt to count calories! Steak dinners, burgers, beer, Sunday roasts, chocolate, cheese, pizza... the list of sinful calorific food is endless. Feh.
Downs... emotional wibbles. Twice this weekend I broke down and cried my eyes out and wanted to hide from the world. Second time I did curl up under the blankets. I fought Tori to try and hide myself. I was just so _sick_ of myself; didn't see the need to inflict myself on the world in general. While Tori was trying to reassure me and love me, I just lie there mentally composing suicide notes and last wills. I don't know if I'd have had the guts to follow through, but at that point I wanted to. Even had a related nightmare that night, based on running away from things, leaving it all behind. What am I so stressed about, so worried about? What do I feel the need to run away from? Hmm...
Ups... helped Steve get stuff for his computer room, setup his new (guest) computer for him.
Ups... Tori came over to my place on Sunday evening and we cuddled a lot and had a restful time, and then a little bit of tug-o-war resulted in me simply using strength and putting Tori in a situation where she really wasn't sure what was going to happen. This helped me a lot.
Maybe I'm just getting frightened by the lack of control I have in my life, now. Things keep fucking up (heating, now possibly washing machine), wibbles about employment in 6 months time (green card process even started?!), dependencies on other people for this shit and my submission to Tori (which means I never have any idea what is going to happen any weekend, until it happens). For a control freak this may be getting overwhelming. I dunno. But maybe the small exercise in control with Tori last night helped. If nothing else, I really really enjoyed it :-)
Downs... emotional wibbles. Twice this weekend I broke down and cried my eyes out and wanted to hide from the world. Second time I did curl up under the blankets. I fought Tori to try and hide myself. I was just so _sick_ of myself; didn't see the need to inflict myself on the world in general. While Tori was trying to reassure me and love me, I just lie there mentally composing suicide notes and last wills. I don't know if I'd have had the guts to follow through, but at that point I wanted to. Even had a related nightmare that night, based on running away from things, leaving it all behind. What am I so stressed about, so worried about? What do I feel the need to run away from? Hmm...
Ups... helped Steve get stuff for his computer room, setup his new (guest) computer for him.
Ups... Tori came over to my place on Sunday evening and we cuddled a lot and had a restful time, and then a little bit of tug-o-war resulted in me simply using strength and putting Tori in a situation where she really wasn't sure what was going to happen. This helped me a lot.
Maybe I'm just getting frightened by the lack of control I have in my life, now. Things keep fucking up (heating, now possibly washing machine), wibbles about employment in 6 months time (green card process even started?!), dependencies on other people for this shit and my submission to Tori (which means I never have any idea what is going to happen any weekend, until it happens). For a control freak this may be getting overwhelming. I dunno. But maybe the small exercise in control with Tori last night helped. If nothing else, I really really enjoyed it :-)
