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wibbly wobbly
Jun. 9th, 2003 10:37 amI think a very intense scene with Tori a couple of weeks back has been the straw that's made me wibble a lot. It's not anything Tori did, it's what I found out about myself during it. We've discussed some of this, but I keep coming back to it, thinking about it, double guessing myself, wondering about myself.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of me. I'm tired of everything.
Haven't had the desire to work.
Haven't had the desire to diet.
Haven't had the desire to get up in the morning.
I look at my weight... 204lbs... feh, I should be 192lbs. I was back in September; got up to 208lbs by January because of parties and christmas and stuff. I've stayed relatively stable since then but I want to lose weight again. But I haven't got the will power any more. I start eating and munching and nibbling. I need to go on a strict diet again and calorie count again... but I can't be arsed. Too tired.
My apartment is pissing me off; noisy, smelly, dirty and with broken heating system. But the contract expires next month and I've just sent a letter saying I want to renew. Too lazy to be arsed to move.
I haven't done anything at work for the past 3 weeks. Eventually someone will notice. Can't leave this job; depend on it to be here in the US; to be with Tori.
I'm fed up with no knowing peoples names. Everyone knows me. I recognise people by face. But never remember their names. So I nod at people as they walk past; they know who I am, but I have no idea who they are.
And, deep down, I'm sick of who I am; sick of the anger and aggression I have in me that I have to control. I'm tired of being the sensible one, the logical one, the one who can be relied on, to provide a sense of balance, to be there when people need me.
I'm just sick and tired of people, of the world.
Shit, I've even caught myself getting annoyed with Tori, for no good reason. Merely because she wanted to talk to me, or rant about work, or just kiss me.
I hate myself at times. And this is one of those times.
Fuck it, I have a lovely girlfriend; one who loves me intensely. I have a well paying job. I have,within reason, anything I want. So why am I so unhappy and annoyed and pissed off?
Maybe it's just tiredness. Maybe I need a vacation. But, hell, I just spent the whole of yesterday lazing around doing nothing (watched 8 Babylon 5 episodes, and a Bond film) and I'm more tired than ever!
I have no solutions to this. I don't even know whats wrong.
Fuck.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of me. I'm tired of everything.
Haven't had the desire to work.
Haven't had the desire to diet.
Haven't had the desire to get up in the morning.
I look at my weight... 204lbs... feh, I should be 192lbs. I was back in September; got up to 208lbs by January because of parties and christmas and stuff. I've stayed relatively stable since then but I want to lose weight again. But I haven't got the will power any more. I start eating and munching and nibbling. I need to go on a strict diet again and calorie count again... but I can't be arsed. Too tired.
My apartment is pissing me off; noisy, smelly, dirty and with broken heating system. But the contract expires next month and I've just sent a letter saying I want to renew. Too lazy to be arsed to move.
I haven't done anything at work for the past 3 weeks. Eventually someone will notice. Can't leave this job; depend on it to be here in the US; to be with Tori.
I'm fed up with no knowing peoples names. Everyone knows me. I recognise people by face. But never remember their names. So I nod at people as they walk past; they know who I am, but I have no idea who they are.
And, deep down, I'm sick of who I am; sick of the anger and aggression I have in me that I have to control. I'm tired of being the sensible one, the logical one, the one who can be relied on, to provide a sense of balance, to be there when people need me.
I'm just sick and tired of people, of the world.
Shit, I've even caught myself getting annoyed with Tori, for no good reason. Merely because she wanted to talk to me, or rant about work, or just kiss me.
I hate myself at times. And this is one of those times.
Fuck it, I have a lovely girlfriend; one who loves me intensely. I have a well paying job. I have,within reason, anything I want. So why am I so unhappy and annoyed and pissed off?
Maybe it's just tiredness. Maybe I need a vacation. But, hell, I just spent the whole of yesterday lazing around doing nothing (watched 8 Babylon 5 episodes, and a Bond film) and I'm more tired than ever!
I have no solutions to this. I don't even know whats wrong.
Fuck.
