Confused

I'm not sure how I'm doing. Ever since getting back from England I've been tired. As in "going to bed at 9:30 and falling straight asleep" tired.

naudia isn't well and I'm not sure what I can do to help her. The recent past hasn't been kind to her, and I think I might be empathising a little too much. I've been scared and nervous as if I've been the one going through what she's had for the past month, but it can't be a fraction of what she's been through and so I'm feeling helpless; I so much want to comfort her and make it all better, but I can't. I'm also worried that I'm smothering her; I may be too intense in my communications with her, but I don't know if I can ramp it down.

See, she's really been the first person I love who has really been in a situation where I'm not sure they could handle it, and where I can't help. I have to tell her how much I love her, because it's about the only way I can show how much I care for her.

Of course this is something I'm going to have to face again in the foreseeable future, anyway. My Dad is getting old. He's no longer the tough man. Sure, he used to be hurt, have operations; he's not a superman. But I knew he was strong enough to recover and go on with his life. Same when Mum went into hospital; I knew she'd get through it as well (hell, the problem was getting to her be idle to recover properly, afterwards!). This isn't true any more; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weakening.

Potentially neither of these things would have hurt me so badly 10 years ago; I had my emotions under control and, sure, it would have hurt when Dad died, but I would have bottled it up and controlled it, much like everything else. I would never have got close enough to naudia to be hurt by her pain. But now, no longer. Tori unlocked my emotions; falling in love with her meant opening myself up to the full gamut of emotion; both good (love) and bad (fear).

This is distracting me in a way that I've never been distracted before. It's distracting me from Tori and my oath to her; it's distracting me at work. I'm not sure what is appropriate behaviour, so I'm also afraid of annoying the people I love (Julie by being too in her face, Tori by being too distracted).

Wow, have I just made a whiney LJ post? Maybe I should become a Goth!

In other news

I think I'm becoming anti-social. Maybe it's a function of my tiredness, but I really don't have much time for stupid fuckwits at the moment. I was recently on a Solaris 10 training course and the trainer was quite knowledgable outside of the course, which helped, but he made some obvious (to me, anyway) mistakes and I had to bite my tongue a lot. ( geek error )

. I'm thinking of dropping out of usenet, because the stupidity I'm seeing there is depressing me.

It was my 38th birthday last week, and I look back on the past year and wonder just WTF I've done with it. It seems I spend so much time fighting fires or being lazy that I haven't actually achieved anything. The house still needs the electrics looking at (or at least two lights put up); the walls still need insulating (so I'm gonna get drafts again this year); my dozens of potential projects haven't moved forward by one iota. *sigh*

And today I've been a lazy shit rather than doing housework; I need to vacuum and clean the toilets. I don't suppose I'll have time now before my parents visit next weekend (Saturday I'll be busy out of the house). Eh.

( TMI )

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Huh; a wierdo LJ issue

I posted an entry, then editted it, then when I tried to post a new entry it told me I needed to backdate it because I'd already posted one with a newer time. Hmm. Either LJ got the date wrong on the first post, or else editting it caused the time to be incorrect. Either way, an LJ bug!

LJ talk

Now, see, I'm not sure I like the idea of LJ talk. Just 'cos I read someone (and they read me; a "mututal friend") doesn't necessarily mean I ever want to hold a real-time conversation with them.

Or maybe that's me being anti-social, again!

And so I doubt I'll be on LJ talk very often!