sweh | The spiral of depression (Reply)

Been feeling a bit depressed recently, and definitely not getting enough sleep. Forcing myself to get up at 06:45 to go to work despite preferring to stay in bed and blot out the world.

So last night I was seeing Tori. While waiting for her in the pub I found myself just staring forwards, ignoring the world and found tears welling up in my eyes. Tori came and I had a couple of beers and a burger. Felt a little better, but by the time we got home (via a detour) I was down again. Barely had the energy to walk around my apartment.

Tori sensed this and started to kiss and cuddle me on my bed. I became pretty passive, closing my eyes, crying. This hurt Tori, made her feel unhappy which made me feel worse and drove me further into the blackness to the extent where I just closed my eyes and tried not to think, not to feel, to cut off my senses and be nothing. A wonderful spiral.

Time passed. Dunno how long. Started to come out of it and found Tori still there cuddling me, loving me, being unhappy because of the state I was in, which pushed me back under again; rolled over tried to bury my head, to leave the world elsewhere, to avoid hurting because of the hurt I was causing her.

Forced myself out of it with anger, with energy. Manic? Maybe. Took that anger out on Tori. Not good. Controlled her, flipped switches in her, hurt her. Shit. Needed distraction before I went too far in either direction; precariously balanced between blackness and viciousness.

So we watched TV (Sapphire and Steel adventure one) which calmed me down, stabalised me. But later, when we went to bed I had to hurt her again. Dug my fingers into her viciously, wanting to bruise her, wanting to leave my fingers as marks on her body. Why?!

And then didn't get to sleep until gone 3am; curled up examining the darkness in my mind, tempting it, playing with it, wondering whether to just let it cover me for good, for ever.

Tori used to say that I was the sane stable one in her life. Yeah, right. Like fuck I am. I'm just another broken person, out of control, teetering on the precipice. Maybe it's easier just to jump. Less hurt for her in the long run.