Love and loss

[sweh]

Watching Babylon 5 season 3 and got to episode 11 "Ceremonies of Light And Dark". We get to the part where Sheridan tells Delenn that he loves her... "I can no longer imagine my world without you in it. I don't know exactly when or how it happened but I'm glad it did."

I'm not sure exactly when I fell in love with Tori. It's amazing how quickly our initial emails went from her helping me come to terms with my coming into BDSM to me sending her naked pictures of myself in chains (with her consent!!!). When I first met her (at Arisia 2001) a couple of months later I already felt strongly for her. Was it love at that point? Dunno. Maybe it was when I left a week later... Definitely by Lunacon a couple of months after that I was well and truely in love.

The point that I knew was when I realised I'd hurt her. I had done something extremely stupid and idiotic and Tori was hurt by this... and when she told me this I had to run to the kitchen and was almost sick in the sink. Then I knew...

At that time I'd started writing some poetry and I wrote this one...

I hurt you!
===========

     I hurt you!
     A misplaced word,
     A bad piece of timing.

     I hurt you!
     I feel like shit,
     Beyond contempt, worthless.

     I hurt you!
     My guts are in pain,
     I writhe on the floor in agony.

     I hurt you!
     Please don't leave me,
     I need you so much!

     I hurt you!
     And in the process
     Discovered the depths of my feelings.

     I hurt you!
     Yet you take the blame
     To yourself and forgive me.

     I hurt you!
     And our bonds grow stronger
     As we work through our mutual pain.

     I hurt you!
     I love you!
     I'm yours.

A couple of weeks back the tables were turned and Tori had done something to hurt me. I started to consider what my life would be without Tori in it, and I could feel the pit of depression pulling at me. I don't think I was as graceful as Tori was, back then, but I couldn't not forgive her. I had to forgive her; I couldn't live without her.

Is it healthy for one person to be so much in love with another? I don't know. But I am. Utterly in love with my lady.