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swehThe person I love most in my life tells me that I'm judgemental. She tempered it by saying that I'm harsher on myself than I am on others, but that doesn't matter. She feels my judgement on her; on her thoughts, her actions.
Damn.
I'm a bastard on myself. I pick on my own perceived failures and try to fix them. I'm a perfectionist. But I don't demand that of others. I thought...
I try hard. I try to not push my own requirements onto others. I guess I fail. I'm a self centered arsehole; my requirements, my demands, my standards... they matter; live up to them or be judged.
I don't want to be this person. How can I not be? I can't see a middle road; either I have no emotional input into a relationship or I put it all in, and I have no defense; people fail my own internal expectations... I try to not expose those epectations, but that's who I am.
I don't know how to love a person and not judge them. I love that person anyway (duh; love, definition, see) but it doesn't stop me wanting to mold that person into my ideal of a responsible person. But I'm not their judge; not my role; not my position. Fuck, even if I wasn't her slave, it's not the role of a loving partner to judge so harshly. My failings are mine.
How can I love and accept? How can I accept their failings (by my own lights; not necessarily by anyone else in the world) without distancing myself from them emotionally?
Damn.
No matter how much I think I've learnt with Tori I guess there's still 20 years of emotional catching up to do. Any other 35 year old probably knows these answers in their gut. I've never encountered this before. I'm probably an idealist and I prokect those ideals. That it hurts my love makes me an arsehole.
Damn, and despite this Tori still loves me. What _have_ I done to deserve so much love? I don't know. I'd be lost without it; a life without meaning.
Tori; I'm sorry. I'm sorry I judge you; I'm sorry you feel you need to live up to expectations; I'm sorry you place expecations on yourself that you merely think I would have placed (even if I don't).
When I first moved here I lived for 3 months with a couch in the back of your van; I accepted this because I love you. More recently you did things (no details here; you know what I'm referring to) that hurt me. I got over it; I love you.
Lady... I love you for who you are and what you are! Please forgive me if I act judgemental; you are the one I love. You; what you are; what you are... yes, there are minor thinks you do that annoy me, but they are minor. I annoy myself more; I'd expect that I annoy you more. Two people sharing lives will annoy each other.
Yet, knowing what I know, you feel I'm judgemental. Obviously what my mind knows isn't the same as my emotions.
Sorry...
Help me be less judgemental.
Help me.
I love you!
Damn.
I'm a bastard on myself. I pick on my own perceived failures and try to fix them. I'm a perfectionist. But I don't demand that of others. I thought...
I try hard. I try to not push my own requirements onto others. I guess I fail. I'm a self centered arsehole; my requirements, my demands, my standards... they matter; live up to them or be judged.
I don't want to be this person. How can I not be? I can't see a middle road; either I have no emotional input into a relationship or I put it all in, and I have no defense; people fail my own internal expectations... I try to not expose those epectations, but that's who I am.
I don't know how to love a person and not judge them. I love that person anyway (duh; love, definition, see) but it doesn't stop me wanting to mold that person into my ideal of a responsible person. But I'm not their judge; not my role; not my position. Fuck, even if I wasn't her slave, it's not the role of a loving partner to judge so harshly. My failings are mine.
How can I love and accept? How can I accept their failings (by my own lights; not necessarily by anyone else in the world) without distancing myself from them emotionally?
Damn.
No matter how much I think I've learnt with Tori I guess there's still 20 years of emotional catching up to do. Any other 35 year old probably knows these answers in their gut. I've never encountered this before. I'm probably an idealist and I prokect those ideals. That it hurts my love makes me an arsehole.
Damn, and despite this Tori still loves me. What _have_ I done to deserve so much love? I don't know. I'd be lost without it; a life without meaning.
Tori; I'm sorry. I'm sorry I judge you; I'm sorry you feel you need to live up to expectations; I'm sorry you place expecations on yourself that you merely think I would have placed (even if I don't).
When I first moved here I lived for 3 months with a couch in the back of your van; I accepted this because I love you. More recently you did things (no details here; you know what I'm referring to) that hurt me. I got over it; I love you.
Lady... I love you for who you are and what you are! Please forgive me if I act judgemental; you are the one I love. You; what you are; what you are... yes, there are minor thinks you do that annoy me, but they are minor. I annoy myself more; I'd expect that I annoy you more. Two people sharing lives will annoy each other.
Yet, knowing what I know, you feel I'm judgemental. Obviously what my mind knows isn't the same as my emotions.
Sorry...
Help me be less judgemental.
Help me.
I love you!
