Dancing With Tears In My Eyes
Mar. 22nd, 2006 11:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
swehAs a kid I loved that song... I remember a French lesson, with a girl sitting next to me and I scribbled on my book "Dancing with tears in my eyes... 'cos my partner stepped on my foot" and I showed it to her and she giggled. Next lesson she sat at a different desk. Ah well.
But it wasn't until 18 years later, after I met Tori, that the video for the song meant something to me.
A guy rushing home in the face of oblivion to be with his loved one and spending his last minutes with the ones he loves (his wife and child) reliving the past (home movies) and celebrating their love (sex).
And I learnt that this wasn't to be my fate.
I love Tori, and she loves me... but at the end of the world she would choose her husband and be with him. I don't begrudge her that decision; indeed I promote it and require it. I made an oath that my relationship with Tori would not hurt her relationship with Steve. If I felt I was harming her marriage then I'd make effort to resolve that, even if it meant my leaving. I will not harm their marriage.
But it means that, at the end of the day, I'm alone.
Since then I started dating Julie. Julie has offered a big sacrifice for me; I know she loves me. But her love and commitment is of a different kind. If she had to choose then I think she'd be with Steve, and failing that she'd be with whoever of her partners was closest. Julie has a lot of love to go round, and it's spread.
Again, at the end of the day, I'm alone.
Maybe this alone-ness is of my own making. I'm almost confident that if Steve noticed then he'd try to include me in those last moments. I'm humbled by the choices he made for me recently. But I wouldn't be willing to intrude; I'm always aware of my secondary status and I try never to intrude in time that he and Tori or he and Julie have together. Even if offered a sharing in the end, I wouldn't intrude. He deserves to be with his lovers without me.
Sometimes I wonder why I fight. I'm fighting my employers to keep myself in this country. Every month I'm worried that new visa paperwork may be fucked and I'll get kicked out. I'm doing a job I hate, just to stay here with Tori and Julie. I'd rather quit and get a new job. Maybe I should go back to England, but I know the pain that'd cause Tori would be more than I can inflict. I dunno how much Julie or Steve would feel if I left, but I know it'd hurt Tori.
So I stay here, for simple immediate pleasure... knowing there's no long term future here for me. I don't see anything changing in 10 years time. I'll still end up at the end of the world being alone.
What I will never have... forever ultimately alone.
Chorus:
Dancing with tears in my eyes
Weeping for the memory of a life gone by
Dancing with tears in my eyes
Living out a memory of a love that died
It's five and I'm driving home again
It's hard to believe that it's my last time
The man on the wireless cries again
It's over, it's over
(Chorus)
It's late and I'm with my love alone
We drink to forget the coming storm
We love to the sound of our favourite song
Over and over
(Chorus)
It's time and we're in each others arms
It's time but I don't think we really care
(Chorus)
But it wasn't until 18 years later, after I met Tori, that the video for the song meant something to me.
A guy rushing home in the face of oblivion to be with his loved one and spending his last minutes with the ones he loves (his wife and child) reliving the past (home movies) and celebrating their love (sex).
And I learnt that this wasn't to be my fate.
I love Tori, and she loves me... but at the end of the world she would choose her husband and be with him. I don't begrudge her that decision; indeed I promote it and require it. I made an oath that my relationship with Tori would not hurt her relationship with Steve. If I felt I was harming her marriage then I'd make effort to resolve that, even if it meant my leaving. I will not harm their marriage.
But it means that, at the end of the day, I'm alone.
Since then I started dating Julie. Julie has offered a big sacrifice for me; I know she loves me. But her love and commitment is of a different kind. If she had to choose then I think she'd be with Steve, and failing that she'd be with whoever of her partners was closest. Julie has a lot of love to go round, and it's spread.
Again, at the end of the day, I'm alone.
Maybe this alone-ness is of my own making. I'm almost confident that if Steve noticed then he'd try to include me in those last moments. I'm humbled by the choices he made for me recently. But I wouldn't be willing to intrude; I'm always aware of my secondary status and I try never to intrude in time that he and Tori or he and Julie have together. Even if offered a sharing in the end, I wouldn't intrude. He deserves to be with his lovers without me.
Sometimes I wonder why I fight. I'm fighting my employers to keep myself in this country. Every month I'm worried that new visa paperwork may be fucked and I'll get kicked out. I'm doing a job I hate, just to stay here with Tori and Julie. I'd rather quit and get a new job. Maybe I should go back to England, but I know the pain that'd cause Tori would be more than I can inflict. I dunno how much Julie or Steve would feel if I left, but I know it'd hurt Tori.
So I stay here, for simple immediate pleasure... knowing there's no long term future here for me. I don't see anything changing in 10 years time. I'll still end up at the end of the world being alone.
What I will never have... forever ultimately alone.
Chorus:
Dancing with tears in my eyes
Weeping for the memory of a life gone by
Dancing with tears in my eyes
Living out a memory of a love that died
It's five and I'm driving home again
It's hard to believe that it's my last time
The man on the wireless cries again
It's over, it's over
(Chorus)
It's late and I'm with my love alone
We drink to forget the coming storm
We love to the sound of our favourite song
Over and over
(Chorus)
It's time and we're in each others arms
It's time but I don't think we really care
(Chorus)
