Running to a stand still

[sweh]

Sometimes I think I'm spending all my energy and running as fast as I can just to stay in place. If I relax for a moment then I can feel things slipping away and I move further away from the only long term goal I have (to stay in this country to be with Tori). I'm always afraid that something somewhere will kick me in the head and cause the process to be derailed and cause me to be kicked out. The latest medical exam is merely an example of this... somehow it will fuck up and I'll be back in England, alone, back where I was 6 years ago.


Who needs a dream
Who needs ambition
Who'd be the fool
In my position
Once I had dreams
Now, they're obsessions
Hopes became needs
Lovers, possessions

Then they move in
Oh, so discreetly
Slowly at first
Smiling too sweetly
I opened doors
They walked right through them
Called me their friend
I hardly knew them

Now, I'm
Where I want to be and who I want to be
Doing what I always said I would and yet I feel
I haven't won at all
Running for my life and never looking back
In case there's someone right behind to shoot me down
And say he always knew I'd fall
When the crazy wheel slows down
Where will I be?
Back where I started...

Don't get me wrong
I'm not complaining
Times have been good
Fast, entertaining...
But what's the point
If I'm concealing
Not only love
All other feelings?

Now, I'm
Where I want to be and who I want to be
Doing what I always said I would and yet I feel
I haven't won at all
Running for my life and never looking back
In case there's something right behind to shoot me down
And say he always knew I'd fall
When the crazy wheel slows down
Where will I be?
Back where I started...

Tim Rice, Chess, "Where I Want To Be"